I first heard of the Elf on the Shelf a couple of years ago from one of my daughters.  Little did I know that I would curse the day some well intentioned mother came up with this now clearly misguided tradition.

Innocently, I fully intended to pick up one back then but the $30 price tag seemed a little unreasonable.  But Christmas 2010 approached and that darn Elf was back in the “begging Mommy” rotation.  Maybe they caught me at the right time because I resolved to get the Elf on the Shelf.  But with only a couple of weeks until Christmas, I needed to get one in a hurry.

Enter Rachel, my new personal assistant.  I assigned her the task of locating the illustrious, soon to be known as elusive, Elf on the Shelf.  Oh but I also needed a Black or Latino one that best resembled my children.  But we’re talking about Rachel here, so with just a few calls she has one being held for me at the Barnes and Nobles at Carolina Place Mall in Pineville, NC.  And a Black one at that. Or so we thought…

Apparently that Elf moves around more places than just in your home.  When I arrive at Barnes and Nobles, the Elf of the Shelf being held for me was fair skinned and blue eyed.  Now while we come in all shades and colors, this Elf on the Shelf wasn’t going to do if we wanted it to look like the little ones at our house. Someone else had grabbed the last one I wanted despite Rachel’s thorough checking to make sure it would be a good fit for our family.  Next time she’ll learn to threaten the lives of the customer service reps answering the phone to make sure they get it right.

I called Rachel from the car to tell her about the mix up.  But more importantly to express to her how I needed an Elf on the Shelf, and the right one, by the next day.  The babies were waiting for it of course.  Rachel didn’t skip a beat as she located one on the other side of town.  And in true Rachel form, she told me she would pick it up that same night and bring it into the office in the morning. 

When Rachel came into the office with the Elf on the Shelf in tow, she told me how she had spoken to her best friend while on route to the Elf pick up.  After explaining to her friend that at 8pm in the cold, she was going to Borders Bookstore at Northlake Mall to get her boss an Elf on the Shelf for her kids;  Her friend aptly commented that her job was like the movie The Devil Wears Prada. And at that moment I was truly proud of myself for that!

Now fast forward to Christmas 2011. The Elf on the Shelf now named Elfie has returned for its second year of spying on the kids for Santa to report who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Which again seems like a fabulous tradition to have for our family. Except…First, that darn thing is freaky. It has this mischievous grin and side stare which can only bring back bad memories of that Chucky doll in the movie Child’s Play. And we know it didn’t end too well for the family that bought that doll.

Now that well intentioned mother who came up with this also certainly didn’t take into consideration that I can barely remember to pick up my kids much less every night remember to move that darn Elf to a new location. Because you see Elfie returns to the North Pole every night and reappears the next morning in a new place that the little ones must uncover. You can only imagine how many stories I had to come up with to explain why Elfie was still sitting on the mantel the next morning. Come to think of it, it’s 2:12am as I write this and that darn Elf has to be moved again. Hold on one second while I move it, or else I’ll forget and have to explain to my worried children that Elfie is ok, but had an upper respiratory infection and the doctor didn’t recommend flying that night (sigh).

Ok I’m back now and Elfie has made it’s move to the breakfast table’s lazy susan. This Elf on the Shelf thing has brought many mommies to tears and children too. It certainly has caused me enough stress as if I need any more. So take this as a warning, unless you want to become responsible every year, from November to January, for the travel plans of yet another individual in your house, leave the Elf on the Shelf in the store! And for those mommies that are already in the throws of life with an Elf on the Shelf, I’ve started an online support group…

The other day I was talking to one of the mothers at the kids’ school about whether she would be attending an upcoming classmate’s birthday party. The mother announced triumphantly that she would be boycotting future birthdays until further notice. The idea certainly had its appeal. Tony once inquired exasperated, “Do we have to go to EVERY party, just because we were invited?” To which I answered indignantly, “Of course!” Now I’m not so sure…

With four children in school, an average class size of 20, that means about 80 potential birthday parties over a twelve month period. So its no wonder that there are times when we have 2-3 birthday parties to attend in just one weekend.

The upsides to the classmate birthday party…

Socialization: This is a chance for the kids to get to interact outside of school.

Networking (aka Adult Socialization): This is a chance for me to have some adult conversation away from my business interactions.

Fun: It’s a fun activity I didn’t have to execute.

Now for the downsides to the classmate birthday party…

Gift Buying: Yet another gift to buy. I’ve resorted to buying up five of the same gifts when I find a good deal, unisex toys when I can. Otherwise, I stock up on the typical car gift for boys and pretend pet gift for girls. Every once in a while, I’ll throw in a dinosaur for the girls, because I know growing up I preferred to play with robots to Barbies.

Time Lost: The mere effort of remembering there is a birthday party coming up sends me into a state of anxiety for fear I should forget about it and miss it, 1 hour spent, check! Between buying a gift and actually getting to the party and back home again I’ve spent more time on the road than at the actual party, 2 hours spent, check! Parties these days last 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, unless it’s at our house, then we have one of those unspoken invitations that have a start time but no end time, 2 hours, check! My day is already short the necessary hours to get anything done, so the time issue counts as two!

The jury is still out on whether we’ll attend ALL birthdays. Maybe we’ll limit our kids to one classmate birthday party per month. Or maybe we’ll just continue to keep going to them all. Hmmm, that saves us spending any time thinking about whether we should or not. Wish I had come to that conclusion sooner…

Every night before I go to bed, I visit each of the children’s rooms to check on them. The initial purpose is to ensure that no one has stolen them while they slept (I watch a lot of Criminal Minds on TV), to see if they are alright (I’ve discovered my fair share of fever ridden children at 2am) and to see if they need readjusting (only restraints could keep my kids in place at night). But invariably, I end up just staring into their faces, truly in awe of how wonderful they are, how they deserve so much and how I have to deliver and can’t let them down. I like them best when they are sleeping….

Call me an opportunist or maybe just resourceful or possibly quick on my feet, witty even…When I forgot to put money under Reagan’s pillow in place of her tooth, I took advantage of the current economic climate to cover myself.  I’m not even sure she understood what a recession was but I went with it anyway.

You see Reagan accosted me in the hallway about why her tooth was where she put it the night before and her highly anticipated financial windfall was not. I was caught off guard by the inquest because truly I had forgotten all about the ordeal that had ensued the day before. A wiggly tooth became a crisis, with big sister Madison offering or more like threatening to yank it out and little brother Chase, in horror of the dangling and bloody tooth that made his sister cry from panic. It was a long day and the tooth fought hard to stay but inevitably it lost the battle to a sandwich of all things.

So when the trauma was over, with tooth in hand, Reagan was free to plan how she would spend the money she would be getting very soon. In fact all of the kids joined in with ideas of what could be had with this impending financial gain. A piece of candy, a new book, an iPad even?!?!?

So you could imagine her disappointment or rather indignation when after carefully placing her tooth under her pillow, after hardly being able to fall asleep just in case she could catch a glimpse of me or Daddy doing the Tooth Fairy’s job, after counting all of the things she would soon be able to buy…Nada, nothing, zilch the next morning.

She knew exactly who to see, someone had not done their job. And so without missing a beat, when asked how such an atrocity could have occurred, I replied “It’s a recession, the Tooth Fairy has been laid off…”